RANCH HANDS FOR HIRE
Cotopaxi, Colorado
I’m not sure why I’ve been putting this off, maybe trying to be like one of those cool girls who hides and integrates for awhile after she does something. Although, I do enjoy a good hermit sesh from time to time. I also don’t know why I feel the need to tell you that I sat down to write this having chugged my buttery morning coffee compliments a la hubby and then started online shopping, working, creating playlists. You know, everything but sit down and do what I came to do, love to do, need to do — write. My brain works in mysterious ways, but I’m back on track and ready to lay down every last detail starting with the axe that I rested beside the front door during my week long solo stay on the ranch.
To give a little back story, this played out like every kismet, synchronistic, silly fairytale love story you’ve ever watched. I was at our going away party back in Maryland a few months ago when my friend showed me this woman who she went to highschool with that had previously moved to Colorado, gotten a divorce, and bought a ranch. She giddily swiped through her instagram pictures, telling me how similar we were, and that I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO meet her. Obviously I was intrigued by the idea of a woman living on a ranch by herself post divorce, the badassery. I’ve also romanticized ranch life ever since seeing Legends of the Fall in high school. Dreaming of the day that I’d get to look out over the vast fields and see Tristan riding home to me on his stallion. That may have been an added bonus in my fantasy, but it played out in the story that I’m about to tell you. Truth is, I’m also a hermit at heart and deeply fantasize about having so much space to myself that I don’t know what to do with it. I like to try on different hats and experiment with different characters, so ranch hand got me good. How are you supposed to know if a fantasy is for you if you don’t test it out?
A few weeks later I opened instagram and saw that she was looking for someone to watch her ranch. I squealed a little and told my husband that I’d be off the map for ten days in early October and would need the only car we had in Colorado to get there. He obliged and supported me like he always does when I get honed in on solo missions like this. I fantasized and drooled over the romantic idea of ranch life weeks leading up to my stay. A few days before I started getting cold feet and asked my husband if he wanted to come with and work from the ranch. Looking back, I think I asked out of guilt — All this space for me? Am I really allowed to be off the map, disconnected, take time for myself, shut out the world, lounge outside, pet cute farm animals, deeply rest and restore?
He saw right through my gesture and easily declined. I felt a wave of relief ripple through my body and got back to the fantasy. Fast forward a few days and I’m ready to get the hell out of dodge. The car is packed and Ovi eagerly waits in the backseat with no idea where this adventure will take him, eager nonetheless. The ride feels like freedom, windows down, the sweet sound of silence and wind filling the car. We pull up and it’s everything I imagined and more, Little House on the Prairie style. One house in the middle of a farm, land for days, mountain ranges to the East and West, a cow named Honey Boo Boo, two donkeys named Thelma and Louise, and a mini donkey named Jenni who stole my heart. The woman who owned the ranch gave me the rundown, told me the lock on the door didn’t work but she had been here for over a year by herself and had no issues, and we enjoyed a delicious steak dinner together that evening. She left in the morning and it was ‘Ranch Hand Paige’ for the next 11 days.
I settled into the flow of ranch life with ease, just as I expected. I like to chop wood and carry water. It takes the guesswork out of things and gives my busy mind something to sink into. What did surprise me though was how tired my body actually was when I gave it the time and space to rest sans distractions. That first week looked like ranch work, eat, nap all day, ranch work, eat, sleep 12 hours. It was easy to sleep 12 hours when the sun went down around 8pm and I used candlelight to get by which is harder than you might think so I opted for early shuteye. The rest felt good. I was too tired to care that I wasn’t ‘taking advantage’ of the time and space I had. It felt delightful to give my body exactly what it needed, no guilt. It’s so easy to push through the tired at home when it feels like things stack and stack on my plate — most definitely self-inflicted. ‘We’re falling behind’, my brain shouts like the loud programmed dictator that it is throughout most of the day.
The first few nights on the ranch were more terrifying than I imagined. It was semi-funny to watch my mind come up with a plethora of worst case scenarios, telling me that the axe by the front door was too far away if someone did happen to swing by. I took the car out to town and lost cell service on the way with no GPS to show me how to get to my destination. My mind immediately went to doom, so much doom. It actually was comical. I came back to my breath more times than I could count and reminded myself that this is why we’re here. To grow, expand, face fears, get out of our comfort zones. GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. There’s this sense of pride, resilience, confidence, and self-reliance that finds its way into your bones when you do. There’s really nothing like it. If you didn’t get the hint, I highly recommend getting lost. I highly recommend watching the narratives and stories that your mind runs through when you do something scary.
Tristan rode in on his white honda accord stallion, or some car similar to that, to keep me company for a night. It wasn’t too much of surprise, but my husband called and said he was renting a car to come out for a night and see the ranch. It truly was a once in a lifetime type of experience, so I was really happy that he came. You can’t really pass up on something like that if it comes your way. We enjoyed slow ranch life together, made dinner, sat on the back deck and watched the sun sink down over the mountains until the sky was filled with a flurry of stars. Like I said, once in a lifetime. Paint the picture.
He left and moving into week two was the all too familiar sensation that I wasn’t taking advantage of this experience and needed to be doing something more — meditating, creating art, writing although I didn’t bring my computer. Just all around needing to be doing a better job at doing nothing. Interesting. I continued to chop wood and carry water. I picked up cow and donkey poop and hauled the wheelbarrow over the to compost piles every morning and night. I took refuge in brushing Honey Boo Boo and letting Jenni nuzzle in between my thighs for comfort. It felt good to take care of something outside of myself. It felt good to actually get outside of myself for 11 days. I had a purpose, ranch hand.
Looking back, I can see how my expectations of that time clouded my ability to be present to what is. My mind thought it needed to make something magical out of the experience, the gritty doer in me never quits. In reality, letting the magic of the moment and the ranch move through me was enough. It was all enough. Living in and enjoying the once childhood fantasy turned reality was enough. There was nothing that I needed to do, but enjoy my time. Novel. What a novel novel concept, to enjoy. My MO is suffering. It’s not as gruesome as it sounds, but there’s this underlying feeling that if I’m not working my ass off then I don’t deserve it. Ranch life helped me soothe that a bit. Ranch life reminded me of my resilience.
I like to buck the status quo, the life laid out in front of me, and test the waters from time to time. Maybe a little too much if you ask my mom, but it’s important to me. I believe that it’s essential for all of us to see what we’re made of and get out there. We need try new things, to try on new hats, new versions of ourselves, to try our fantasies on for size and make them a reality. There’s only one of these things, so jump in and give it all you’ve got.
Xx
Paige
What a cool experience!!